


one foot in front of the other one

by Iwillseduceyouwithmyweirdness



Category: The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Alec Lightwood, Internalized Homophobia, Self-Harm, Supportive Jace Wayland
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-01
Updated: 2018-06-01
Packaged: 2019-05-16 22:33:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14820162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iwillseduceyouwithmyweirdness/pseuds/Iwillseduceyouwithmyweirdness
Summary: Alec worries about what happened with the memory demon, and Magnus flirting with him but Jace supports him





	one foot in front of the other one

**Author's Note:**

> hey, so this is just a little one shot about the couple of days following everything that happened with the memory demon. Please ignore the awkward title - i couldn't think of a name, so this is actually a song by Fun, but i think that the middle verse of the song relates a lot to this fic, so maybe give it a listen if you like :) this fic contains self harm, so please be careful! let me know what you think!

The only time Alec let himself think about his sexuality was when he was alone in the training centre. It had first become a habit when he was in his early teens – the demands of shadow hunter training meant that he had put in a lot of extra hours of work into building his strength, and it was easy enough to use the time to sort out his thoughts as well. He mostly trained late at night to ensure that he would have the floor to himself. At times like these, he used to find it difficult not to imagine Jace fighting with him; in the dark, his head seemed to clear, and he found that he could finally acknowledge his feelings for what they actually were. He didn’t always stare at Jace because he admired his skill with a seraph blade; it wasn’t just the love of a parabatai he felt when they fought side by side.

 

It was fucking terrifying for Alec to realise he was gay. He immediately felt an overwhelming sense of guilt; despite it not being his intensions at all, a part of him thought that maybe he had betrayed Jace’s trust by being attracted to him. The Clave had drilled it into them at a very young age that heterosexuality was the only option, and that any deviance from that would be severely frowned upon.

 

It was then that Alec had started to punish himself in an attempt to make up for the fact that he was gay. It had started with extra training sessions; if he couldn’t be the perfect soldier in his personal life, he could make up for it by being the perfect fighter. He continued to do target practice long after his fingers started to bleed, ensuring that he would never miss a shot in the field.

 

It hadn’t taken a great leap for Alec’s obsessive training to morph into purposely hurting himself. In Alec’s head, it was punishment for his short fallings as a shadow hunter. He couldn’t quite remember the first time it had happened, but now, his late night training sessions usually ended up with a blade in his hands, and blood on the floor.

 

 

 

Alec let out a choked sob as he landed another blow on the punch bag; he didn’t usually cry while he was anywhere someone could walk in and see him, but it was half past one in the morning, so he assumed it would be okay just this once. The past two days had been hell, and Alec blamed Magnus Bane for most of it.

 

Alec wasn’t quite sure how it happened, but somehow, Magnus had looked past Jace’s good looks and decided to flirt with him instead. That had never happened before. In fact, Alec had never met a man who was so confident with his sexuality; it was as if Magnus hadn’t even cared that Alec was also a boy. This alone was grounds enough for Alec’s brain to short circuit a little and for him to spiral into a pit of self-doubt. His siblings didn’t really seem to care too much that a _man_ was flirting with him; he pinned that down to the fact that his sexuality was probably the worst kept secret between them despite the fact that he refused to acknowledge it openly. However, Alec’s day managed to go downhill even more when the memory demon had taken a memory of Jace; of _the one he loved most_. Alec didn’t think that there was a way that could be misinterpreted. It was fairly clear to him that his secret crush on his parabatai was out in the open for all to see.

 

Thankfully for Alec, the next day, Jace had brushed off Alec’s worry with an offhand comment about how parabatais were meant to love each other. That they were _brothers_. Alec hadn’t stopped feeling sick since their conversation. And now, he was training in the hopes that it would make up for the fact that he was an awful shadow hunter, and an even worse brother.

 

He his final punch split the skin on his knuckles, making them smear blood onto the punch bag. He took that as a sign to finish for the day, and moved over to the weapons racks.

 

Not long after Alec had started to self harm, he had hidden a small knife in his quiver. It was easy enough to conceal from most people, and if anyone asked about it, he had the perfect excuse of wanting a little extra protection while on a mission. In truth, Alec took his bow and arrows almost everywhere with him, and the knowledge that he had a means to hurt himself at any time calmed him more than he thought was possible.

 

Tears were still streaming down his face, and his breathing was gradually increasing. Alec knew that this usually heralded the arrival of a panic attack, and moved quickly to retrieve his knife. He trapped himself in the small space between a bench and the corner of the wall, meaning that he felt enclosed on three sides. Somehow, the crush of the walls around him, and the bench digging into his arm made him feel safe; he could see anyone approach from this angle, and the solid brick grounded him.

 

Alec rid himself of his trousers and shirt, and dragged the blade across the curve of his hip without much thought. He already had many cuts and scars packed in across his skin there, and he vaguely registered that soon he would have to find a new place to hurt himself so as not to reopen old scars.

 

Once the first cut had been made, Alec’s emotions seemed to hit him like a brick in the face, and he struggled to catch his breath in between wet, heavy sobs. He didn’t cry often but when he did, it was the kind of crying that physically hurt; he could barely suck air into his lungs.

 

 _Jace was just trying to let you down gently with the whole “I love you like a brother” thing. He knows about your crush,_ Alec’s brain supplied helpfully; he tried to banish the thought with another deep cut.

 

Alec’s biggest fear was that Jace would leave him. He could deal with their relationship staying as friendship – and god knows he had dealt with Jace having a girlfriend enough times to know he was fine with that – but he couldn’t bear the thought of being abandoned by his parabatai. He pulled the knife along the soft skin where his thigh joined his stomach, hissing out a small breath.

 

The thought of Magnus Bane slipped to the front of Alec’s mind. _It should be illegal to be so pretty._ Alec screwed his eyes shut. It wasn’t fair, he had spent most of his teenage years telling himself that he could never have what he wanted, and then along came Magnus – an all-powerful warlock – to make him rethink everything he had ever known. With him, Alec could actually have a future: for a start, Magnus was clearly attracted to him, which was more than he could say for any crush he’d ever had in the past. This whole thing was alien to him, but somehow, it felt so right.

 

He cursed quietly into the darkness, punctuating the sound with another quick slice of the blade over his skin.

 

Alec could feel the blood from the three cuts he had made run in small rivulets down his thigh, making the floor underneath him hot and slick.

 

He shifted slightly, eyes still closed, and made to press the knife into the dip above his hip bone. Just at that moment, he heard a soft noise in the training centre, making him jump and press down harder than he intended.

 

Alec’s eyes flew open, scanning the semi-darkness for the source of the sound.

 

He dropped the knife in surprise as a shadow moved a short distance in front of him. _Jace._

Alec’s mind seemed to go into overdrive and his hands started to shake. _What was he meant to do now?_ There was no way what he was doing could be misinterpreted.

 

Jace took another cautious step forwards, his hands out in a placating gesture.

 

Once he was just a few feet from Alec, he crouched down, leaning slightly on the bench to keep his balance. The silence in the room felt deadly and Alec bit back another sob so as not to break the quiet.

 

‘Hey,’ Jace said softly, eyes wide. ‘Alec, please can I touch you?’

 

Alec nodded, not quite believing that this was actually happening.

 

Jace shuffled forwards a little more, reaching out and placing a hand on Alec’s knee. _So this was real. Fuck._ ‘Mate, that looks like quite a bit of blood there. You ready to clean up?’

 

It was at that moment that Alec realised that Jace had brought a first aid kit with him. A stab of shame ran through him at the idea of Jace having to patch him up, but his head was too full to do anything but nod for the time being. ‘Okay,’ Jace murmured, voice low and eyes downcast. ‘Can I see please?’

 

He pulled at Alec’s knees until he was sitting with his shins against the bench. Much to Alec’s relief, this still gave him the penned in feeling he so desperately needed, while also giving Jace access to his injuries. He didn’t miss the fact that Jace had quietly pulled the little knife out of his reach, nor did he miss the way Jace rubbed at his parabatai rune before he opened the first aid kit. ‘Will you let me heal them?’

 

‘I’m sorry. No.’

 

Jace just nodded, lips set in a tight line.

 

They were quiet while Jace worked, his nimble fingers quickly cleaning and bandaging the cuts. Alec knew that Jace would be able to see his older scars and know that this wasn’t the first time he had been in this position, but he prayed with everything that he had that Jace wouldn’t ask too many questions. Maybe this would be like all of Alec’s other issues: an unmentioned dark cloud that hung over him.

 

Once Jace was done, he sat back and watched his brother for a moment, eyebrows pulled into a frown. ‘Are you going to tell me what this is about?’

 

Alec sighed. _What was he supposed to say?_ There was so many things that this was about; it wasn’t just one issue that they could easily sort out and it would all be in the past. Instead of voicing this though, Alec said the one thought that had been running around his head for most of the night: ‘Jace, do you think that there’s something wrong with me?’

 

‘What?’ Jace questioned, his voice slightly harsh with confusion.

 

‘With the fact that I like – that I’m –’ Alec groaned, burying his head in his knees. No matter how coherent his brain was at the time, whenever he tried to say the words “I’m gay” out loud, his voice seemed to fail him, and the sentence was always left unfinished. Alec thought that not being able to verbally name his sexuality due to shame was the most painful thing he had ever experienced.

 

Jace seemed to freeze as he realised what Alec was asking. ‘Just so I’m clear, are you asking if there’s something wrong with you because you’re gay?’ Alec was wrong; it turned out that the most painful thing he had ever experienced was hearing Jace ask if he was gay in a voice that was so full of concern that it no longer sounded like it was his parabatai who was speaking.

 

He nodded, another gut-wrenching sob being pulled from his lips in the process. If Alec were more with it, he would be embarrassed about Jace seeing him like this, but as it was, he was too wrecked to care.

 

‘Okay.’ Jace shifted a little beside him, and suddenly Alec felt a hand on his cheek, gently pulling his head up to look Jace in the eye. ‘Alec, I need you to listen really carefully now, okay mate? There is _nothing_ wrong with you. All of the Clave’s bullshit is wrong, not you.’

 

‘But religion –’Given Alec’s crying, his voice was gravelly, and it wavered too much to speak more than a few words at a time.

 

Jace huffed a little. ‘Alec, you’re literally part angel. If being gay was against religion, don’t you think that maybe there wouldn’t be gay shadow hunters? You are living proof that it’s not a sin to be gay, alright.’

 

‘But the Clave said –’ Alec dug his finger nails hard into his arm, subconsciously needing to feel more pain to be able to unravel his thoughts into some kind of logical order.

 

‘I know,’ Jace reached a hand out, pulling at Alec’s wrist until he released his vice like grip on his forearm, leaving semi-circular indentations in his wake. ‘I know, but the Clave’s fucked up plenty, and this is just another thing they’ve got wrong. I know that I’m not going to convince you overnight that you’re okay, but I’m not going to let you beat yourself up over this. How – how long have you been hurting yourself because of this?’

 

Alec sighed, finally being able to breathe without sobbing. ‘I don’t – it’s not always about _this_ , a lot of the time there isn’t one specific reason, it’s more like everything builds up and this is a way to let the pressure off. But it’s probably been around three years or so now.’

 

Jace’s grip on Alec’s arm tightened slightly. ‘ _Three years?_ I knew you trained at night, how did I not realise this was happening?’

 

Glancing at Jace, Alec realised just how devastated he looked; his stomach felt like lead – he had never seen Jace look quite so hollow before. He shrugged a little. ‘Jace, I was hiding this for a reason. You didn’t notice because I made sure you wouldn’t. Please don’t think this has anything to do with you not realising this was happening.’

 

‘Alec, I can feel how much you’re hurting, and not just physically. About what happened at Magnus’ the other day –’

 

‘Please don’t.’ Every muscle in Alec’s body was aching, and he suddenly felt bone tired; no part of him was ready to talk about what had happened with the memory demon. To his credit, Jace looked a little abashed at bringing it up, but it didn’t seem like he was going to stop talking about it.

 

‘ _Alec,_ this isn’t going to go away if you ignore it. I know you don’t want to think about it, but it happened, and we have to talk about it.’

 

Alec huffed a breath and reburied his head in his knees. This time, Jace let him hide his face as he continued. ‘Magnus is obviously interested in you and he seems like a nice guy. I know you still have misgivings about your sexuality, but it seems to me like he could help you with them. Maybe you could ask him for a drink or something?’

 

Startled, Alec raised his head to stare incredulously at his brother. ‘Jace, how do you think Mum and Dad would react if they found out I was going on a _date_ with a guy, and not only that but a _warlock_? They’d freak.’

 

Jace rolled his eyes, looking for all the world like Alec had just said the most oblivious thing he had ever heard. ‘Mate, for once, can’t you just do something for yourself? God knows you need a break from being the perfect son,’ he gestured vaguely to the bandage around Alec’s hip. ‘Iz and I can cover for you.’

 

Something deep in Alec’s chest seemed to warm at Jace being so accepting of him; never in a million years did Alec think he could ever talk about his insecurities surrounding his attraction to men, but Jace didn’t seem at all phased by any of this. He nodded slightly. ‘Thanks.’

 

Jace looked around the dark training centre; it must have been coming up to three in the morning and they both felt exhausted. ‘Come on, it’s late, we should probably head to bed now. You must be tired after your extra training.’

 

They walked back to the Institute’s living quarters in silence, each lost in their own thoughts. Once they reached Jace’s bedroom door, Alec paused. He felt like he had just had his heart ripped out of his chest, and he really didn’t want to be alone. Jace seemed to read the fact that Alec was struggling with something on his face, because he took a step closer to him, hand ghosting over his parabatai rune for the second time that night. ‘You good?’

 

Alec took a shaky breath, closing his eyes and preparing himself for rejection. ‘You remember when we were young, and you used to have nightmares, we would – we used to share my bed?’

 

Jace smirked, ‘yeah, and you used to hog the duvet. We can share as long as I get an even half of the quilt.’

 

Alec was pulled into the room, and Jace chucked him a pair of sweats to wear. It was so familiar. Before long, Alec was lying on his side, watching as Jace climbed into bed beside him and willing himself not to feel like he was doing something he shouldn’t be.

 

 

 

In the morning, neither of them mentioned the fact that Alec had cried again once the lights turned off, his poorly concealed uneven breaths filtering out into the darkness. They didn’t talk about the fact that Jace had woken with Alec curled tightly around him, clinging to his t shirt like it was the only thing that was tethering him to the world. Jace had just pulled him closer before drifting back to sleep. And that night, when Alec made it to the training room at quarter past eleven, Jace was already there waiting for him, a soft grin on his face. Alec felt like they were both twelve again as they made their way over to the floor to spar, neither of them making a sound.


End file.
